Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie

Front Row

I know he's blood
but you can still turn him away
you don't owe him anything.
do you go to the dungeon
to find out how to make peace
with your days in the dungeon
writing a letter to you
didn't make me feel any more peaceful
then how I felt when we weren't speaking
because I didn't cop to what I did.
I can't love you
because we're supposed to have professional boundaries.
i'd like you to be schooled and in awe
as though you were kissed by god full on the lips .
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up
slid into the ditch
I have this overwhelming loss of ambition
we said let's name thirty good reasons
why we shouldn't be together
I started by saying things like "you smoke"
"you live in new jersey (too far)"
you started saying things like "you belong to the world"
all of which could have been easily refuted
but the conversation was hypothetical
I am totally short of breath for you
why can't you shut your stuff off.....
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up
for a while we're not speaking
you know how much you hate to be interrupted
maybe spend some time alone
to fill up your proverbial cup
so that it doesn't always have to be about you
i've been wanting your undivided attention
I like the fact that you're nothing like me
are you not burdened by the lack of
perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)?
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up
hey i'm not mad at you guardian
i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you
and your jeckyl and hydeness
i'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist
you laughed a wicked laugh
and said "come here let me clip your wings!"
(i know he's blood but you can still turn him away
you don't owe him anything)
"raise the roof" he yelled
"yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back.
(unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize.)
no thanks to the soap box.
having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference......
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you see you close up

UR

burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house
suits in the living room
do you realize guys I was born in 1974
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences
hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are
take a trip to new york with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young lady?"
you said "yes I'd like to know what kind of people
i'll be dealing with"
precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are
don't mind our staring but
we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would've
we would've liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away
resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

Baba

i've seen them kneel
with baited breath for the ritual
i've watched this experience raise
them to pseudo higher levels
i've watched them leave their families
in pursuit of your nirvana
i've seen them coming to line up
from switzerland to america

how long will this take baba
how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to
every word you say
how soon will I be holy
how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you
completely absolve me

i've seen them give their drugs up
in place of makeshift altars
i've heard them chanting
kali kali frantically
i've heard them rotely repeat your
teachings with elitism
i've seen them boasting robes and
foreign sandalwood beads

how long will this take baba
how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to
every word you say
how soon will I be holy
how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you
completely absolve me

i've seen them overlooking god in
their own essence
i've seen their upward glances
in hopes of instant salvation
i've seen their righteousness
mixed without loving compassion
i've watched you smile as
the students bow to kiss your feet

how long will this take baba
how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to
every word you say
how soon will I be holy
how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you
completely absolve me

give me strength all knowing one
how long 'til enlightenment
how much longer 'til you
completely absolve me

Ave Maria Ave Maria
Ave Maria Ave Maria
Ave Maria Ave Maria
Ave Maria

I Was Hoping

as we were taking outside it was cold
we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know
please don't tell her or anyone
but I need to talk to somebody
you said "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was
five minutes before I died
i'd be filled with such regret before I took my last breath"
and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die any time soon"
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything
and you said yes but you've been wearing leather
and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain
and yes you're a fine woman and I cringed
I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said
"good-bye sir thank you for your business sir
you're successful and established sir
and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money"
and when I walked by they said "thank you too dear"
I was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when I would've said something like
"hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
I too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you
I think you're insensitive and I don't feel heard
and I said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental?
fundamentally evil?
and you said yes I said I don't believe in revenge
in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about that man that I saw handcuffed
in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong
and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together

Thank U

how bout getting off of these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

One

I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
the sexy treadmill capitalist
heaven forbid I be criticized
heaven forbid I be ignored

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days
of powerlessness

I have abused my so-called power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one

did you just call her amazing?
surely we both can't be amazing!
and give up my hard earned status
as fabulous freak of nature?

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one
always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory
always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory
one

Are You Still Mad

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad I compared you to all
my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad I shared our problems
with everybody?

are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
are you still mad I tried to mold you into
who I wanted you to be?
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are of course you are
of course you are of course you are

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after
we had ended it?
of course you are of course you are
of course you are of course you are

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad that I seemed to focus
only on your potential?
are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
of course you are of course you are
of course you are of course you are

Would Not Come

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment
if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin
if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
i would throw a party still it would not come
i would bike run swim and still it would not come
i'd go travelling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come
if I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously
if I take a break it would make me irresponsible
if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
if I need assistance then I must be incapable
i'd be filthy rich and still
it would not come
I would seduce them and still
it would not come
I would drink vodka and still
it would not come
i'd have an orgasm still
it wouldn't come
if I accumulate knowledge
i'll be inpenetrable
if I am aloof no one will know
when they strike a nerve
if I keep my mouth shut the boat
will not have to be rocked
if I am vulnerable I will be
trampled upon
i would go shopping and still
it would not come
i'd leave the country and still
it would not come
i would scream and rebel still
it would not come
i would stuff my face and still
it would not come
i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd be the hero and still it would not come
i'd renunciate and still it would not come

Sympathetic Character

I was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up I was
afraid of your physical strength I was afraid
you'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your
sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid
of your complete disregard for me I was afraid
of your temper I was afraid of handles being
flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched
into walls I was afraid of your testosterone

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the
calm before the storm I was afraid for my own
bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of
your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your
manipulation I was afraid of your explosions

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem

Unsent

dear matthew I like you a lot
I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future
and you want to
come visit me in california
I would be open to spending time with you
and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song
dear jonathan I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
and think solely about themselves
and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
dear terrance I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available
and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch
and cry in front of you for the first time
you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me
dear marcus you rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality
and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed
and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any further than we did
and it's kinda too bad becasue we could've had much more fun
dear lou we learned so much
I realize we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest
and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career about your whereabouts

That I Would Be Good

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

So Pure

you from new york you are so relevant
you reduce me to cosmic tears
luminous more so than most anyone
unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
and lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
let's grease the wheel over tea
let's discuss things in confidence
let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
let's solve the world's problems
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
So pure

The Couch

you hadn't seen your father in such a long time
he died in the arms of his lover how dare he
your mother never left the house
she never married anyone else
you took it upon yourself to console her

you reminded her so much of your father
so you were banished
and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive
and why you can't trust anyone but us
but then how can I begin to forgive her
so many years under bridges with dirty water
she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me

I don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years
I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
who are you younger generation to tell me
that I have unresolved problems
not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour

how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
it was much harder in those days
we had paper routes uphill both ways
we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood

I walked into his office I felt so self-conscious on the couch
he was sitting down across from me
he was writing down his hypothesis I don't know
i've got a loving supportive wife
who doesn't know how involved she should get
you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?

just the other day my sweet daughter I was driving past 203
I walked up the stairs in my mind's eye
I remember how they would creak loudly
she was only responsive with a drink
he was only responsive by photo
I was only trying to be the best big brother I could

i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
sometimes indignant sometimes raw
can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour
sometimes it feels like highway robbery
and sometimes it's peanuts
I wish it could last a couple more hours

so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
you see him getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually
you're not relinquishing your majestry
you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big
and I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life

Joining You

dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine
she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy
that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort
because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth
and yes they're in shock
they are panicked
you and your chronic them and their drama
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago
we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed"
and you were mindboggling you were intense
you were uncomfortable in your own skin
you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you
you and I we're like 4 year olds
we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will
and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions
if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsessions
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
we need reflection we need a really good memory
feel free to call me a little more often

Can't Not

i'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
how would I explain?
how would I explain this to my children if I had them?
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time
would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
how can I complain?
how can I complain when i'm the one who reaches for it?
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I cannot walk without my crutches
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't help wonder why you ask me
to all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
you think you're the right ones
you think you're the charmed ones i'm sure
how can you go on with such conviction?
and who do you think you are why do you question me?
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't help laugh at underestimations
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't afford to be misled one more time
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we cannot help without your willingness
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?

Heart of the House

you are the original template
you are the original exemplary
how seen were you actually?
how revered were you (honestly) at the time?
why pleased with your low maintenance?
you loved us more than we could've loved you back
where was your ally your partner in feminine crime?
oh mother who's your buddy?
oh mother who's got your back?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
you were "good ol'"
you were "count on 'er 'til four am"
you saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramatically
oh mother who's your sister?
oh mother who's your friend?
the heart of the house
the heart of that house
all hail the goddess!
we left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like women like women to women would
womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from?
must've been your father your dad"
I got it from you I got it from you
do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
in my fits of laughter?
in my tinkerbell tendencies?
in my lack of colour coordination?

 

Your Congratulations

I wouldn't have compromised so much
so much of myself for fear of
having you hating me and
I would've sung so loudly
it would've cracked myself!
I became self-conscious
of anything exuberant
I wouldn't have sold myself short
I wouldn't have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
if I had've known my invisibility
would not make a difference
I would've run around screaming proudly
at the top of my voice
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck
i'm talking idealism here
I would not have been so self deprecating
I wouldn't have cowered
for fear of having my eyes scratched out!
I wouldn't have cut my comfort off
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
every one of their compliments
it was your approval I wanted
your congratulations

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